Conflict

Have you ever wanted something to happen so badly and then as soon as you find out that it is going to, you freak out and really don't want it to happen? Have you ever been so frustrated with the satus quo that you vented about it every time you spoke, but then as soon as the status quo was threatened you freaked out and wanted nothing else? even if you were uncomfortable with the status quo and it really really really aggravated you?

I feel like such the "typical girl" and yet I don't. I want this to happen and yet I don't. I have to have "the talk" with one of my friends - I don't really care for the DTR. Define the relationship - I feel like we are about to commit friendship suicide. And yet I know that this will be the best thing for both of us. However now that I know he is going to step up and be a man and initiate this stupid conversation, I don't have to really worry about the fact that I really wanted to start this stupid conversation. I wanted to, incorrectly, be the pusher. It is not in my nature to sit back and be patient. It seems hazardous for my health and yet from Scripture I know that I have to wait. I have to be the female. I am the female. But I really really really like being the aggressive one. Wait. No I don't. I actually enjoy being pursued. What I don't like is having someone else set the pace. Someone else set the schedule. And all that without discussing anything with me.

And so another friend has stepped up to be good to me. He has approached the guy and told him to deal with it and come talk to me. I am happy with my friend for doing that but...now I have to deal with this situation. I can't just keep pretending that nothing is wrong even when everyone else can see that there is. And this is affecting everyone else. Why did he have to be convinced that he needed to come talk to me? Why was he willing to leave everything the way that it is? Is he afraid of changing the status quo? Is he comfortable with the awkwardness? No - he just ignores me. I HATE HATE HATE BEING IGNORED. That makes me want to push the situation even more. That makes me want to search him out and nail this down. I like closure. I like neatness. I like details. I like being in charge.

The funny thing is that he is wrong. He thinks that what is going on is one thing when in reality it is the exact opposite. That isn't his fault and yet it isn't mine. Although I can honestly say that my actions have not changed one jot or tittle since we met. It is he who has changed. He is the awkward one. My actions have not changed even when my feelings did. Sure I had bad days. WE ALL DO. Maybe those days were tied to my emotions, but what can I say? I AM A GIRL. Deal with it.

--

I have become what I hate. Maybe I should say it in a different way - I am what I hate. Why is it that I can give great lip service to what I should be and what it is that I want to be and what I think that everyone else should be and what everyone else should do but when it actually comes to doing those things I am not so excited? I feared that I would do this. They call me wise. I know that I am not wise. They look to me for wisdom. Here's your wisdom - I AM NOT WISE! Don't look to me for these things. I fail. Look to the Scriptures - that is true wisdom! But, they hear me say that and they call me wise. How is that wise? Yes, I know that I am pointing them in the right direction but ANYONE can do that! What are the Sunday School answers? God, Jesus and Bible. Pray and have a quiet time! That is not wisdom, they are cop-out answers. Sure they are the right anwers some times - but where is their depth? Where is their fullness?And yet they still come. They call me wise but I am not wise.

They trust me. They. Trust. Me.

WHY??

I am not worthy of trust. I am not worthy of confidence. I am a sinner who only by the grace of God does what is right . Left on my own, what would I choose? Look at the different "put off" passages in Scripture - that is what I would choose on my own. I put off what I am supposed to put on and put on what I am supposed to put off. I would in no sense choose God if left to myself! Praise God that He does not leave me to myself!

What have I ever done that has proved me worthy of trust? Why would they trust me without proof? I don't want to call them stupid...but I don't get it!

I almost let down my wall and trusted someone more than I have trusted anyone in a long time. Boy, am I glad that I did not! Maybe I am being rash and cynical but...looking at that person now - he doesn't want that, he wants a superficial relationship with tendencies of real.

No. That isn't fair to him. He does want a real relationship - a friendship, but I don't think he knows how to go about achieving it. I don't want superficial relationships. I don't want silly platitudes and "how's the weather?" I don't want what we have. I don't want stupid. We used to talk. I mean TALK. We discussed theology and minsitry and life and....and....and... Now don't get me wrong, our relationship was not entirely serious. We have a our stupid moments. We have little jokes and funny things. Wait. Strike that. We had our stupid moments, we had little jokes and we had funny things. Now we have arguments and pouting and silence. Now we have name calling and stubborness. By no means will I lay that all at his feet, I am just as guilty. BUT I HATE IT. I want my old friend back.

There is so much more that I want to say. But I have to go. My other friends are fighting.

In case you were wondering - I am not in high school. I am in graduate school. Isn't that sad?

Long time no see...

Sadly, I left my true desire of posting here where things are "prettier" and went to xanga where my friends are...

But that is no longer an issue. I want to be able to write things that my friends don't see. Not that I am embarassed or ashamed of what I have to say, it is just that I want to be able to say things without anyone I know seeing it...

Does that make sense? I guess it really doesn't matter if it makes sense, because no one is going to see this...I haven't written here in over a year so no one knows this exists....

*sigh*

I would write more now, but it is 80 degrees in my office and I am ready to go home...jury duty in the morning...

--me